Being a woman.......Is it my fault?

This blog post is not a story, yet it’s the story of every woman living in this world. It’s straight from my heart and I am sure every girl can associate with this.

So it all started with a post on one of my Facebook contact's wall, where this guy suggested women species to stay in their limit and not behave like bonds. Otherwise crime like Guwahati is bound to happen.

Yes as a woman I took it as an insult but more than that I was fuming because I was shocked with the fact that such a post is coming from an educated youth of today.

What has happened to our country? Why are we behaving like beasts? The Guwahati case was in extremes so it picked up that much outrage. But, what about all that outrageous humiliation that we go through on daily basis?

Is molestation only considered when a man touches you and tries to attack you with an intention to rape you? What about the mental rape that most of these men do with their eyes and expressions.

This guy said we girls need to stay in limits. But who set those limits and why have such limits been set? Also to what extent can we stay in limits?

A girl sitting in a bus is touched by a man sitting behind her, is it her fault? Or a girl walking down the street and this man coming from the opposite side tries to bump into her literally whispering in her ears some lewd words, is this the fault of this girl as well? Or your boss undressing you with his eyes that you actually feel ashamed of being a girl… Certainly this is the fault of girls I guess then *Smirk*

These are just common examples of the kind of mental rape / molestation/ harassment we girls go through every day. But when we share this with people, they come back and say “It’s the fault of you girls”.

For how long will we girls have to go through this kind of shame for being the most beautiful creature made by GOD? A woman is a mother, a daughter a sister, a wife…. But in the eyes of men we are just the object of the three letter word.

I would like to quote here the comment of that young guy “tis is truth, if that girl have taken all security precautions, chances r that this problem may not happen like calling her parents/frnds to take her bak hme, or shld go in a group or with her frnd instead gng alone. so here fault is nt f boyz bt f system, f girl, society, f her parents, f police, f alchol.”

I have not changed a letter in this quote and one can see how clearly this young educated man has blamed the entire world but his own species.

Somewhere in our country, khaps are imposing rules like women below 40 cant venture out of home alone, they can’t keep cell phones. They are not safe outside, but are they really safe at home? What about all those women who go through abuse at home by their relatives. Is that the fault of a girl too??

My question is, Why do we women have to live such a restricted life? Why can’t we be as free as men? Why can’t we girls think of going out for a night drive all alone, enjoying the silence of the night? Why can’t we women sit under the stars in a park all alone without having the fear of being attacked? WHY can’t we enjoy simple joys of life? If after a long and tiring day at work, I want to go out and unwind why do i need a man with me? If I have no male companion, do I not get the right to unwind and relax?? Why can't I go out alone with my girl friends and dance my worries out?  WHY?

For all the above we all know the answer is simple that we can’t do all these things because we might become victim to a shameful act committed by MEN.

SO IS IT REALLY OUR FAULT IF ITS THE MAN WHO IS ON PROWL EVERY WHERE? WHY ARE WE BEING BLAMED, LIMITED AND CONFINED TO A LIFE THAT IS NOT WORTH LIVING?

Is there really an answer to this question????

Or a dream to live freely will remain a dream forever??

In Your Absence.....

It was a cold and foggy day. Temperature was not more than eight degrees. Tugging her jacket closer to her body Ruma walked towards the coffee- book shop across the street. This small book shop was one of her favourite spots in this town. She would often go there during her free time, pick up a book and read it while sipping on her coffee. Sometimes, she would just sit there, looking out of the window and then writing something in her small diary. 

Ruma had been visiting this bookshop from past five years and nothing had changed about it. The lay out was same, the smell of that home-made coffee was same, the old man at the counter, the chairs, the smell of the old and new books… everything. The only thing that changed was her appearance. Her big eyes were now covered behind glasses; the ageing was visible in her grey strands. Yet anyone who saw her would say she was still beautiful. She had something secretive about her that would attract people towards her. But she never reciprocated.

“Hello Ruma di, where have you been? Been two weeks, there is a new book on shelf. It was running out so I saved a copy for you”, said the young boy who helped the old man manage the shop. He handed over the book to Ruma with an excited and proud grin on his face... Ruma looked at the book and smiled. “Thank you” and headed towards the same table she had been sitting on since past so many years. She enjoyed the solitude of that corner. “Should I send your special cup of coffee Di”? Ruma smiled and nodded again. In all these years, Ruma never indulged in conversations, but she was never rude too. She would simply smile and immerse herself in books. There was something about her smile and eyes that said a lot but no one could ever decipher what. Those deep eyes had many secrets, just like the sea. They spoke stories of love, loss and life.

For Ruma, her time at the shop was magical. She would totally forget the whole world and get lost in the stories she would read. She would often think of herself as one of the characters in the story and read the rest of the story living it in real in her mind. Putting her specs on, she picked up her book when she suddenly saw someone sitting on the chair in the other corner. He was looking at her and their eyes met. Chill passed through her body and her face went pale... Ruma went blank and could see the man coming towards her.

“Hi Ruma, am so happy. I had given up all my hopes of meeting you ever again. I know everything about you and I knew it you would wait for me.” Siddharth said this in one breath as if he would never get this chance again. Ruma could see that he was excited, but she was still trying to figure out what she felt.

It had been five long years, since she last saw him. She noticed, he had gone weak. Age had definitely taken a toll on him. His hair were all ruffled up and had a smoky touch. Even then he still looked as handsome to her as he did some years back.

“Fine”, she said meekly. Sid noticed those beautiful eyes ….but he also saw some questions hiding in those eyes. Would he be able to answer those?

Both were unable to continue the conversation further, yet there was something still holding them together there in that moment. Ruma offered him a chair next to hers and sat in silence looking outside the window. One could say that both were eager to know about each other, yet unable to speak... When two people meet after years, silence often replace words.

Finally Sid, broke the silence and started telling her about his life and how he missed her all these years. Ruma was listening to nothing. She kept staring at the book kept in front of her. He told her about his failed relationships, his mistakes, his joys, his sorrows and finally his regret....of leaving her. Ruma continued to sit in silence...still staring at the book.

Ruma’s thoughts went back to the day when she saw him last waving his hand bidding goodbye at the airport. He was leaving for US for three years.
Like two people in love they made promises too. One promised to come back, the other promised to wait. "Take care, Ru", was the last message he sent her before he switched off his mobile in the aircraft.

Those three years never got over, their relationship did. She never heard from him again, but she did hear about him being in a relationship with her best friend there. He had promised her he would never make those beautiful eyes cry. He didn’t know in his absence that is exactly what she did … all these years.

Sid was not able to take her silence. He didn’t know what else to say. He just wanted her back now. Putting his hand on hers, he looked into her eyes for a yes. But there was nothing there. Her deep brown eyes were now vacant. 

A tear dropped from her eye. Ruma knew this was the moment. Wiping that off her face, she smiled and started walking towards the exit. 

"Ru please don't go.....”

"Take care, Sid". Ruma walked out of the shop and didn’t look back again. 

The cage was broken and her soul was set free. She was happy. She told herself she deserved to be. Now she refused to let her happiness depend on anyone but herself. Life was opening up to her...and she was going to embrace it whole heartedly.

  

Sid stood there in silence. Speechless! Shocked! His gaze fell on the book kept in front of him...

The title read... “In Your Absence", a collection of poems by 'Ru'

He turned the page and read the first page……..Sid knew in that moment that this time he had lost her forever.

“I see a new beginning. I see the light. I see some positivity. I see me in me.....I forgive thee”

Photo Courtesy: Bobby Roy

That Rainy Day...........

Long after they both hung up, Maahi was still awake, listening to rain drops and thunderstorm with a heavy heart. Sleep was nowhere close to her eyes. Her mind was nowhere close to her present. Her heart was not with her at all. It was still there, somewhere in past holding on to the best memories of her life. Memories she wanted to let go of now but for some reason was not able to. The moment she would think of letting go of those memories, it would kill her as if her soul was being taken away from her.

But tonight, she didn’t know what to do. She was not able to understand if this was a dream or the dream was finally over and she is back to reality. After all that longing and waiting, she heard what she had wanted to hear for long. "Can we meet once?” Manik was visiting her town for work and he wanted to meet her but to her surprise she didn't know what to do. She wanted to say yes, but her mind said no. The struggle within her had begun again.

Six years had passed since they parted their ways on that rainy day. It was a mutual separation, a divorce where no abuses were hurled, no explanations demanded and no reasons given. He asked for it, and she signed the papers without any questions. Their friends said it was a painless divorce but only Maahi knew the pain she had been through in those six years.

Ending a twelve year old relationship was not easy for her. But she had to pick up those fallen pieces somewhere and gather herself again.  As they say nothing lasts forever, not even the pain. Time heals everything and one must allow oneself to move on. After living a hellish life for almost 6 years, she was now ready to start afresh. And yet here she was, contemplating the option of meeting him. She finally told him that she will not be able to meet him. Manik was taken aback with the answer and all he could tell her to think over it once and that he would call her while he is there.

She didn't know how long she sat there thinking about all this. She didn’t know in between she had a smile on her lips for a while and a few moments later she had those tears which she had held back for long. That one call from him made her re-think her decision of never to see him again. Just one call and she was all ready to go back, back to the same betrayal, same indifference and same person. She was all excited again to see him....6 long years and nothing had changed in her. She probably still felt the same, what she felt 6 years back.

It was a rainy day. Standing at her window, holding a cup of tea in her hands, she was lost in her own thoughts. Once again she was rehearsing in her mind what she would say when she meets Manik. Even though she had said no, she was sure he would call her. She knew him well and had started expecting the call from him. She had decided she will not go weak in knees in front of him and make him realise what he had lost. She will seek all her answers now...questions that she never asked and he never bothered to answer.

Since that call last week, Maahi’s impatience had grown. She would check her phone every now and then hoping to see some message or a missed call. She was still lost in her thoughts when her phone beeped. It was a message from Manik. Colour drained her face due to nervousness yet she was excited enough like a small kid. 

"In the aircraft, leaving your town. Will never bother you again. Goodbye forever… Manik”

She stood still looking out of the window, with rain drops splashing her face. Nobody could make out if those were tears or the raindrops on her face streaming down.

Everything was same as it was six years back. The rain, the heart break, the loneliness…even the question running on her mind was same, “How can you leave like this?” Once again the mind was mocking the heart….."You think you know him??"

'The question never got answered..the heart remained silent'

Discarded Dreams

Coming out of her office that evening, Ria was on cloud nine. It was pouring heavily but she couldn’t care less. It was a day she had waited for so long. Keeping her letter safely in the bag, she entered the metro station full of people trying to rush back home. Everything looked same still she felt it was all different today. The crowd didn’t irritate her, long queues seemed shorter and the loud noise just didn’t affect her. 

Oblivious to all, she was lost in her own world... a world she had always imagined. She had just been promoted and was getting a brilliant opportunity to move to another country for 2 years. It was a dream position and if she takes it, sky was the limit. With this new role, she will be able to fulfil all her dreams and also make a name for herself.Beaming with Pride, she told herself, "Now nothing can stop me from flying".

But when is life that simple? God has his own games planned and there is a test awaiting us at every corner.

Her gaze fell on her finger and there it was. A big rock! Ria felt herself crashing down from the 7^th heaven. She was getting married in a few months and there was no way Sahil would move with her. He had recently got his promotion and was doing pretty well for himself.

For Ria and Sahil, the wedding was no less than a dream come true. After having a long distance relationship for 5 years, they were finally getting married. For them, this was no less than fighting a huge battle.

Their families belonged to different backgrounds and getting their parents approval was no less than winning a war. They often had major fights during long distance, but their love for each other bound them together. As they say, love wins all and they did get their families to agree for their marriage.

The jerk of the metro got her back to reality. She felt her dreams being crushed right in front of her eyes. She can’t leave her life here and go away. She had worked hard for this. But didn’t she work hard for this project too? After many sleepless nights and toiling hard at work, she had finally managed to get one of the biggest clients on board. At such a young age, she had made her name in the industry but that couldn’t stop her from achieving more in life. She was an ambitious girl who had pushed herself to limits to come so far.

How can she let go of this opportunity at this stage now??

Ria decided to discuss the matter with Sahil. “I am sure Sahil will understand me and let me take this opportunity”. Just thinking of Sahil brought smile to her droopy face. As she dialled his number, she could feel the nervousness which she usually felt when she had to take permission for something so dear to her and feared a No in response.

Sahil couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was stunned with the fact that something else could be so important to Ria other than him. Did she actually say, “Let’s postpone our wedding”? For Sahil, this day was everything. For the first time, he could feel the distance between them. Sahil was seeing this ambitious Ria after ages. He knew she had big dreams in life but never thought those dreams would actually kill his dreams or rather their dreams.

Their strong love was giving up and differences had started to creep in. Ria was becoming more adamant on not letting the opportunity go while Sahil was accusing her of not loving him anymore. 

The day came, when anger took over their love. After a long fight, in that one moment of anger, Ria decided to just go away and accepted the offer made by her company. When she told Sahil about this, he was too furious to say anything and his ego didn't allow him to stop her from going.. Neither did she wait for him to call her back, nor did he ask her to stop. Turning back for one last time, she just said, "I will mail you tonight" and then left. Sahil stood there staring in infinity, not knowing what to do, blood boiling in him and mind too boggled to think anything.....Only thing he could feel was anger.

"Son, what are you doing on your laptop at this hour, everyone is waiting for you outside. Come out soon”. Sahil could see that excitement on his mom’s face which for some reason he couldn’t feel. He actually felt nothing at the moment.

Three years had passed since that night and he was still waiting for that mail from Ria… But tonight he was getting married, again a decision made in anger.  “Just one mail Ria and I promise to give up all right now for you, please” Sahil spoke his heart finally, realising what he was doing was not what he wanted. For years he had waited for that one mail, he had wanted that one mail...but there was nothing. His eyes filled with pain and emotions that were hard to understand for anyone.

It was early morning in Ireland, but Ria knew the morning she had been waiting for will never come again. Three years had passed and she had not heard from Sahil.  Knowing him well, she knew she wouldn’t ever, for his ego was too big.
The decision they made in anger had costed them both a beautiful life they could have had together. Now only loneliness.She missed him every moment and wished every day to turn back her life to what it was with him. 

With several memories etched on her mind, she read that mail again, which she could never sent. The mail that she had prepared three years ago still lay there in her drafts. Unable to take that pain anymore, she decided to finally send that mail, when she received a message from a friend.

“Sahil is getting married tonight, you still have time.”

Did she? Can they get back to each other? But, life was no Bollywood movie, and such things only happen in movies. Life was in fact what we never imagined it to be.. The decisions that you make stay forever. But may be if she sends the mail, life could shower her with happiness again.

Sitting in that silence, she made up her mind. Ria read that mail for the last time and finally clicked with moist eyes.

"Your draft has been discarded", read the message on her screen.

With that draft, some dreams were discarded too……forever!!!

That Burnt Paper....

"It's over" he said and walked away. No explanations, no reasons.  Did not wait to hear Goodbye as well. He knew, that's one word she would never be able to say. 

Drowned in her own pool of tears, she stood there for a long time, waiting for him to come back and say "I will never let go of you again". She waited for herself to say "Thank god it was only a dream" but her eyes were wide open. Everything seemed to be fading out even the sound of her own heartbeat.

NUMB!!! Was she dead? Already? But, she had just started to live. She cant be dying without having him around. He had promised to hold her till the end. Yet there she was, all alone, plunged into a deep silence... a silence too loud to hear anything else other than "Its over" 

Deep inside, she could feel something breaking, but what? Was it her heart or her blind trust or her  dreams...probably it was all of these, the pieces of which now started to sting her eyes making her realise its all for real. The dream she had been living for years, was over. 

Time continued to move on, but she stood stuck in that one moment. And stuck with her, were those shattered dreams, her broken heart, some unanswered questions and dark memories. 

Years gone by, but the endless wait continued. Gradually the pain was replaced by anger and anger replaced by self-scoldings. Mornings would start with a promise to be strong, but nights would witness those promises breaking down in tears. Will she be able to say "Its Over" ever? Letting go was not easy for her, for it meant letting go of her own self. 

One day, tired of being strong, she opened her clenched fist and for the first time let go of all that she was holding back, even the last tear drop!!!!

"Its Over.....Goodbye", was all she said and smiled.

Meanwhile, far away, a man burnt in his own fire everyday. With him everyday, burnt a small piece of paper that read.....

"I am sorry!! I will never let go of you again"

Broken Promises....

And that's a six! Voila!!!

Hey all you not so big cricket fans, don't go away yet. This Blog is not about cricket. That is just my source of entertainment as my Blackberry is being pampered in the meanwhile. Well, my BB likes to stay updated too. And why not, after all its my only friend here in this dry land... Er whats dry land? Will blog about it too some other time.

So yeah, coming back to my best friend here, I love it to death and cant live without it. Yes, I am addicted to my mobile. I sleep with it, I wake up with it, I eat with it. (My one eye always on it to check if  the light blinked. The other is always checking if my parents are looking at me or not.) 
Dirty secret- I take that with me to play games while cleaning up my system too. *rolling eyes*

Oh now that I am writing this down, I realise how addicted I am to my BB. I can already feel so restless and frustrated while its being upgraded. Cant even touch it. Oh blimey! Now that is definitely a reason to be depressed and have a chocolate :p

On deeper thoughts, since when did my mobile replace my books? My books which helped me sleep with beautiful stories, they kept me company when I was bored sitting alone in the metros. They were there on those beautiful hill stations when I wanted to just relax and unwind. To the matter of fact, I would often go off to my dream world, holding my book in my arms.

And then entered my phone in my life with all those glamorous looks and beautiful features.  Who wouldn't fall in love with those. So naive of me, I couldn't foresee what I was getting into and gave all my time to my new love... Yes i ditched my first love, my books *damn*

My new love never reciprocated my feelings, yet I was willing to do anything to stay close to him. He always got me traced when I didn't want to, disturbed me when i wanted to be left alone and often made me feel miserable with those past memories. Then how was I still so much in love with it? Like a mean lover it makes it impossible for me to live without it and when I try to, it will sing those beautiful songs and pull me back.

But ENOUGH now!!! No more of it. Its time I get back to my books. Poor them!!! They have been neglected enough. Oh I feel so bad and guilty for ignoring them now. Like a true lover, these books still wait for me to hold them and complete them....

Will do it NOW, I promise!!

*Pop up! Your phone has been upgraded with the latest features*

Yaay finally.. Yippeeeee :D Let me check these features and I shall get back to you all :)

'The book just lifted, goes back to the shelf!!!!!'

Story of a Night!!!

Like every night I was there in my balcony engulfed in the silence of the night. Often those memories would come and greet me. Sometimes with a smile, sometimes with a tear and sometimes with an anger that I myself was scared of.

But tonight before I could meet those memories, a guilty thought just ripped me apart.

The guilt of cheat and betray....I was once again betraying my soul.

Shattered with my own thought, I returned to the silence of the night unaware of the game it had planned for me. I could feel myself going in two different directions. Questions started to attack me and there was no place to hide. Where does one really go when your own soul starts to question you?  

The night had come prepared to take me down, but I was determined to stay strong as well. The silence around me was pulling me to those dark alleys of the days gone by.

And suddenly there it was, those eyes looking at me, those hands holding my hand and assuring me, telling me  "I will not let you fall again". I smiled and closed my eyes surrendering myself to my present and the future awaiting me. 

The past has to go. Determined to let it go, I tell myself 'its over', the night is over, the nightmare is over, that love is over..... and then a voice comes from within me.... "Is it really over???"

With tears in my eyes, I go back to the balcony and wait for the wind to take me away, far far away..............probably to those days again!!!

Another night loses the battle!!!